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Monday, December 12, 2005

New Rules

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for There's a

reason I haven't talked to some people for 25 years - Because I don't

particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the

football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless

you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was

found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.

What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,

you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.

If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care

about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle

of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.

Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored

water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored


New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned

pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the

And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the

morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the

asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grandee half-soy,

half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra

dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a

huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my

card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,

deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid

who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't

make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it

translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything

spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not

spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly

sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because

watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.

What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.

It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for

M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,

old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a

remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the

reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea

wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for

weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.

Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you

isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.

After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had

sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there,

or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam,

dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in

months. "27 months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

And I didn't really care in the first place.

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